Feline Funnies

by Luckie

Meows Friends, Luckie here with the Zine's new joke column called Feline Funnies, for your enjoyment. I have decided for my first assignment to give you the CAT COMMANDMENTS and I have also added something for my doggy friends as well.

1. Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the puter.

2. Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

3. Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

4. Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.

5. Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

6. Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or act as thou art not transparent.

7. Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in the house.

8. Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

9. Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

10. Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap region.

11. Thou shalt not re-set thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

12. Thou shalt not climb on the trash can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thy self.

13. Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

14. Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 3 a.m.

15. Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at every opportunity.

16. Thou shalt not trip thy human even if they walketh too slowly.

17. Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

18. Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.This is a little something for my doggie friends as well.

THINGS DOGS MUST TRY TO REMEMBER

• I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
  
• The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
  
• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
  
• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
  
• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
  
• I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
  
• I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
  
• I will not throw up in the car.
  
• I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
  
• I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
  
• "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
  
• I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
  
• The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
  
• I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
  
• I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
  
• I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
  
• When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
  
• We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
  
• I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
  
• The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
  
• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  
• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's license.

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